Yesterday Tomorrow Here Today / a year’s end

“…you start and you have to finish somewhere. And my time to finish…”

– excerpt from Yesterday Tomorrow Here Today

And here I am, back in Adelaide, and Plenty opens tonight. My last project for 2018, and I am in excellent company. And I have so much respect for Toby Chapman. He’s put together a fantastic program, and working with him has been such a joy.

It’s also been beautiful being back. The familiarity of another city that has stolen another bit of my heart – another place to share a sense of home in. Once again, confirming just how much we gain when we open our hearts to new places and new people.

But let’s be real – the year-end fatigue was hitting me hard in the past month. I was dragging heavy feet to get to this finish line for no other reason except that this year has been mammoth.

And here are some December reflections.

Dan and I didn’t get the million dollars. But we did get an affirmation of our practice, new and stronger relationships with interesting people, and depth in our friendship. In the last month and more, I also clocked an embodied sense of confidence in who I am, what I do, and how I choose to do what do. Conceiving Salt Water Bay and putting together that pitch was such an ambitious process, and I am most certainly all the better for having done it!

It is now four months in my new home. It is a home that I have come to truly love and enjoy. I miss it when I am away. And I am so full of joy when I am back. It has really become my sanctuary, and a place where I am nourished. It is also a place I know I will then in turn nourish others who enter this home with me.

It is now six months since Ben left. And in the meandering nature of grief, there’s not much else to say except I am well and truly in this process. And I am feeling strong – in amongst the outbursts of anger, or the creeping in of sadness, or mostly in the overwhelming joy and relief of recognising my capacity to love another as I do myself.

It’s also been a month since I completed the Future Leaders program. There is so much to digest. But the best update for now – is simply that I am so proud of the cohort. And I feel so much joy for all of them and their achievements – both current and the ones to come.

There is another few more weeks of work at TNA. It is a time of many social events. There is some wrapping up of this year’s loose ends, and some plotting for next year’s projects to do. But it is time to retreat.

This space will go quiet for now as I swim in salt water, eat good food, and sleep and dream. I am taking myself to the beach for my birthday. And I am staying home for Christmas. I will be reading and sleeping and taking this period gently and slowly and quietly. I’ve been charting time – but it is time to mark where my heart, mind and body is after all that has happened, attempted and achieved this year.

This year-end fatigue has been real. And it is time for me to hold space for this tiredness. It is time to retreat and rest. It is time to finish my exhale. It is my time to finish.

image by Grant Nowell.

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