Finding my feet; one in front of the other

I’ll be honest. The routine fell by the wayside. In an utter lack of discipline, I missed a couple of days, which led to many days, which led to a semi-meltdown.

I don’t know which came first – but by the time I caught myself in a vague hole of darkness, sorely unmotivated, and emotionally fragile, I was battling multiple worries and anxieties within me.

I started to question how unnerving and confronting Saltwater as a work was/is. I started to panic that I was nowhere near something substantial. I started to stress about money, and finding a job. I started to panic about next month, when my last $1000 is used up. The house got messier, the workspace piled up. My mind cloudy in the dreary Melbourne drizzle, my body achy from the cold – I stopped. I stopped a lot of things – work and personal things. The longer I stopped, the more I stopped.

It all weighed heavily. I cried in the mornings alone at home, but washed my face and went for walks – staring blankly through the windows – looking for sparkle. I’d slow down, then braved a smile in the evenings, relishing in the company of the husband, but burying a day of gloom inside. Until I felt the fear of not moving forward, never ever moving forward.

Today, I started all over again. I tidied up the workspace, and the house; headspace- I started all over again. 6 handwritten letters ready for the post tomorrow – to 6 women: a process generated from the first couple of days of the routine. I will be writing more of these letters this week, to more women who have shaped the woman that I am, and that I am becoming.

One thing at a time, one foot in front of the other – it will be ok.

Also, discipline, Jamie. Discipline.

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