I turn 38 today.
Sometime in the next 3-4 weeks, a child may be born.
2 weeks ago, I wrapped up work after ~3 years at Next Wave – to go on parental leave. Read my reflections here.
Since then, I’ve had a pedicure, a massage, done my hair, took long lunches and have had a nap daily at around 3pm.
About 2 months ago, I got married over 2 days.
I had the Lewis family and my 4 aunties in town.
In an 8-week window between June to August, entering my second trimester, I travelled for 5 of those weeks, whilst planning a wedding with J and our buddies.
In May, we decided we would get married in October; too much can change in a year, and we were riding some form of momentum that now I know is very characteristic of who J & I are as people.
In April, we found out we were pregnant. We also found out my mother was unwell. More on that as I continue to reflect on Motherhood and this child inside me.
February and March were some of the biggest work months of my year.
January was magical in New York and Singapore; representing Next Wave internationally; traipsing around Manhattan on a 4-venue date night in light snow; and a tropical marriage proposal on a bridge in Clark Quay.
To call 2023 a whirlwind would be an understatement.
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I didn’t think I was going to be married again. I didn’t think I was going to be married before either.
It took me a while to find a rhythm dating again after 2018. I settled into a quaint little apartment in a leafy enclave with lovely neighbours in Northcote not far from the creek. My projects were building in scale; I was increasingly ambitious. I saw friends regularly, I saw shows, I travelled for work. My world was thrilling and kept me busy and stimulated.
By late 2019, I would have ~2 nights a week free – one of which was likely to be a Monday where I would desperately need to do laundry and have a quiet one to myself. The other – a precious night I really didn’t want to risk being an unenjoyable evening with a stranger. Not especially when I knew I would be guaranteed emotional intimacy with any one of my friends! Or that I relished in my own company in my loveseat in my cosy home!
But the weather was warming up, the days longer. And I was looking dinner dates in cosy restaurants where my knees would brush up against another under dim lighting. I was looking for easy conversation, laughter, and frisson. I was looking for summer romance.
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The wedding was glorious.
Day 1 was an intimate affair with the immediate family, in a bilingual tea ceremony and the legalities. Outside the window, the weather churned through rain, wind and storm.
The skies opened up at 430pm on Day 2 for just the right amount of sunshine in a garden ceremony where our community of family and friends witnessed our vows and shared in our love. The friendship in the room, the joy, the dancing, the food, the love – distilled into our 1am selves, J and I back on our couch eating indomie and a poached egg.
We asked for red packets, and along with it, the best parenting advice for us.
And we spent the afternoon after reading through these cards and notes – knowing that we are both so loved and held – individually and as a couple – by all these people who love us so deeply.
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Before writing this, I spent some time reading through my past entries.
So much about sitting in the unknowns and navigating uncertainties.
And here before me, perhaps the biggest unknown I’ll ever experience.
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Back in January, in our last night in New York – we laid in bed staring out that massive window of The Standard with a view of the city and the river. We didn’t say much. But what I felt – and what I knew to be true – was palpable.
That there was a world out there within reach, and yet I could continue to be hungry for. And here beside me, was someone who not only had his own hunger, was ready to cheer me on as I keep wanting more. Who not only consistently met me where I am, was always ready to nudge me to go further.
All whilst sitting in the quiet, in the mundane and the everyday.
With ease, pleasure and joy.
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I turn 38 today.
Yesterday, I got a car seat installed.
This weekend, we will be building a cot that will sit at the foot of our bed.
I didn’t think I was going to be married again.
Nor have this child growing inside me.
But I know these to be true –
I feel the little one squirming about in my belly, and I feel like I already know her deeply;
I am warmed by the memory of waking up this morning beside J, and I want more of this.
Whatever the outcome in 4 weeks’ time; or if life would have it, in 5 or 20 years’ time – I am already changed.
Happy birthday Jamie.