拿得起放得下

Three months. And I have nothing eloquent to say except to keep charting time.

I’ve mostly been working 7-day weeks – Salt Water Bay, TNA, planning my solo projects (of which there are a few on the boil), freelance work, life admin, and being on top of my little home. I’ve done well to make sure I get 6-8 hours of sleep each night. And I haven’t skipped any meals. I’m breathing through it – but the pressure is mounting.

The submission for the Salt Water Bay proposal is due soon. And I’ve been continually thrilled, excited and challenged by the project. And the reality is, for all the work we’ve put into this process, it’s becoming harder and harder to imagine not doing the project.

In short, we really want the million dollars!

But there is no certainty to such a process. You generously generate ideas, you rigorously ask all the (hard) questions, you swiftly make decisions to move to the next step, and you light-heartedly manoeuvre between permutations when a potential solution doesn’t work. There are eight other projects going through their own processes to submit a proposal that is just as shit-hot. So –

拿得起放得下

I learnt of this phrase in secondary school. It could have been in my Chinese lessons. It could have been from my Yishun heartland girlfriends whilst we talked love and life. But it’s shaped my approach ever since. To translate it simply:

if you can pick it up, you can put it down. 

And so I’ve learnt – I have never gone for something I wasn’t ready to lose. But I take all my chances with ambition and readiness. I hold nothing back.

I’ve loved Ben deeply, wholly and bravely. In the eight years together, I’ve navigated an entirely new world as an adult migrant – made it all up from scratch in fact. I’ve travelled into depths of forgiveness I never imagined I had capacity for. And I’ve watched the walls of my heart widen to accept and accommodate more than I thought I could; even at the point of him breaking up with me, there was always room to love him more.

But there is no certainty to such a process. His was/is a process I have no control over. His choices, his actions, his thoughts – are beyond me. And his decisions, I had/have no say in.

A week ago, the chest pains started. It felt like a bruise that seemed negligible but niggling. I’ve since had it all checked out and my vitals are good – so I’m healthy and it’s probably musculoskeletal. It’s not my heart, but just when you think you’ve settled into a groove of another chapter, your body has its way of reminding you of just how much you’ve been carrying. And so –

拿得起放得下

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